"I Ruffied Curtis Painter" by Pat McAfee

“I Ruffied Curtis Painter,” by Pat McAfee

Dear Colts Fans:

This is a letter from your punter, #1 Pat McAfee. Thanks for all the support you showed me last year when I was arrested for swimming in the duck-infested waters of the Broad Ripple canal at 3 a.m. and was charged with public intoxication. (IMPD thankfully dropped the charges of public indecency as I was completely nude at the time. Jagermeister: enough said.)

Anyhoo, I have put all that behind me and continue to punt as well as I can. In fact, my tackling skills have improved markedly this year, as our porous special teams coverage have allowed punt returners to scamper downfield willy-nilly. I have saved several touchdowns this year! I hope you have noticed.

Okay, why am I writing? I would really like the Colts to be good again. Let’s face it: #18 is done. Stick a fork in him – he’s had that neck surgery what, three times in a year and a half? It’s over: retire his jersey. So we need a new quarterback and Andrew Luck seems like the ticket. (Well, plus a new defensive scheme, a couple of good DBs, some special teams help and maybe Jim Tressel wink-wink as head coach.)

We’re 0-6 and headed to New Orleans. The Saints will probably kill us anyway, but I’ll keep the team diverted in the French Quarter until the wee hours of Sunday morning. We will be absolutely tanked and extremely hungover all day Sunday. The bright lights of the Superdome will pain our eyes and the crowd noise- forget it. Many dropped passes and fumbles are sure to follow. We will get blown out. I am doing my part to keep us winless. We need the first pick in the draft. I don’t think I’ll have to Ruffie Curtis Painter for this week’s game, but I won’t hesitate to do it if it’s needed later in the season against the likes of Jacksonville. I’ll do what I have to do to keep us winless. I’ll shank punts, miss touchdown-saving tackles, botch field goal holds. I’ll Ruffie Kerry Collins if it’s necessary, but I don’t think it’ll come to that. If the front office even thinks of putting Manning back on the active roster this season, I’ll Ruffie PM good. He’ll forget all about his neck because his ass will be unconscious. I don’t really want to talk about why or how I have all these Ruffies stashed about, but trust me, I do.

Sunday night football, people. Watch Drew Brees gut us good on national TV. Oh-and-seven baby! Andrew Luck, you watch too. Get to know your next teammates.

Sincerely, Pat McAfee, University of West Virginia, #1, Colts Punter